Triathlete Love: Doublespeak

What your triathlete says and means are two different things.

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What your triathlete says and means are two different things.

It’s taken five years and a combined 15 Ironman finishes, but I think my husband and I are finally speaking the same language.

Sure, the words coming out of our mouth are English, butlike most two-triathlete householdswe both know very well that what one person says isn’t to be taken at face value. There’s a hidden meaning behind every phrase, and it’s usually some variation of “I’m full of crap.”

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It’s not that anyone is lying, per se. I prefer to think of it as taking creative liberties with the truth. If Neil tells me he’s signed up for his fourth Ironman in one year, he’s basically bought a one-way ticket to the doghouse, because putting up with his grumpy ass for another training cycle does not appeal to me one bit. If he tells me we’re spending Thanksgiving in Cozumel, however, he knows he can slip a race in there with a little less grief (but only a little). Other white lies, half-truths, and tall tales of Triathlete Love:

“I got a membership at the tri shop. We’ll save 10 percent on every purchase!”
Translation: “I’m going to buy 40 percent more stuff!”

“I hear Kentucky is actually very romantic…”
Translation: “So there’s this race on our anniversary…”

“I got you flowers!”
Translation: “I totally signed up for that race on our anniversary.”

“It’s nice outside. Let’s go for a walk.”
Translation: “…to get some ice cream.”

“I’ll probably retire after this race.”
Translation: “I’m hoping you’ll forget I said this…again.”

“I’ll take care of it during the off-season.”
Translation: “Go ahead and hire someone to do it, ‘cause it ain’t happening otherwise.”

The bike mechanic was out of what I needed to fix my pedal.”
Translation: “So I told him to go ahead and replace the entire groupset.”

“Only one more hill, honey, then we’re done climbing!”
Translation: “There’s four more climbs, and you’re going to want to divorce me on the third one.”

“What do you say we have date night at the movies?”
Translation: “I’m probably going to fall asleep.”

“I should be home from my long ride around noon.”
Translation: “I’ll run out of spare tubes by 9 and call you to come pick me up 50 miles from home.”

“You don’t really need that, do you?”
Translation: “Your gear is better than mine, and I’m going to steal it.”

“Can we talk about this later?”
Translation: “I’m hangry. Can I please have a sandwich before I go into Hulk Mode?”

“Let’s snuggle on the couch.”
Translation: “My left glute is tight, and you’re about to massage it.”

“Don’t freak out, but…”
Translation: “I am calling you from an ambulance.”

“Have I told you lately how wonderful you are?”
Translation: “Oh, crap, you found the receipt from the tri shop.”

More “Triathlete Love” from Susan Lacke.

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