Check Your Triathlete Horoscope

There is very strong evidence that astrology is at least 99% effective in predicting the future and providing clarity on decisions that will lead to the best possible outcomes. At least that’s what I’ve read on the internet.

It’s about time this scientifically proven field of study be incorporated into the world of triathlon. As luck would have it, I have earned my PHD (Professional Horoscope Distributor) from the University of Mercury in Retrograde (online campus) and I therefore feel uniquely qualified to deliver completely true and not made up fortunes for triathletes who are interested in Tristrology, or Astrolothon (title TBD).

Your Triathlete Horoscope

Aries

Your fiercest warrior will come out on race day. You don’t just say “on your left” as you pass fellow racers. You shout it with such authority that water bottles are ejected from every cage on every bicycle you pass in slow motion to the tune of Katy Perry’s Firework. Nothing can stop you, except the dreaded bonk. Don’t be so impulsive that you forget your nutrition. But if you nail it, woe unto they who challenge you to a sprint finish!

Training: Go hard or go home. If you’re not racing, you’re losing!
Romance: From the top of the podium, it’s easier to catch the eye of that possible love interest.

Taurus

Your generosity may be your undoing during your next race. As you pass fellow racers in need of mechanical help, additional nutrition, or much needed salt tabs, you happily oblige, but fail to meet your own needs. But worry not. The planets foresee half-eaten Gu packets left in a port-a-potty at mile six of the run. These will provide much needed energy to get to the finish line. Unfortunately, you will then spend the rest of the evening hunched over a toilet.

Training: Lead the group rides for the newbies.
Romance: A mysterious admirer will be there to hold your hair as you hug the toilet.

Gemini

You promise yourself that you will adhere to a strict nutrition strategy before race day, but that was before you knew there would be a Buffalo Wild Wings near the race expo. You think to yourself that a few Blazin’ Hot Wings won’t hurt (yes, they will), and that all the training you’ve done thus far will more than make up for it (no, it won’t).

Training: Commit to a super detailed and fail-proof training plan, then only stick to it 40% of the time.
Romance: You need to date an Aries, so that they can tell you to stick to your training plan.

Cancer

The water temperature on race morning will fall somewhere between 75.9°F and 76.2°F. The star charts are unable to provide any more precision than this. Whether or not the race will be wetsuit legal still remains uncertain. For that reason, your best option will be to continue to check the water temperature daily, ask people on social media if they’ve “heard anything new,” and continue to dwell on it until you hear the official word on race morning. Yes, this is the universe messing with you, Janice.

Training: Check the weather forecast every 30 minutes to see if anything has changed.
Romance: Rest assured that if you do get into trouble on the swim, an attractive lifeguard will quickly come to your rescue.

Leo

You can trust your next fart, but not the following one.

Training: Tums
Romance: Your hand will brush the hand of a special someone while you both reach for the same port-a-potty door.

Virgo

“Training is stupid. I hate speedwork! I just don’t have time for this. Why do I keep punishing myself like this?” These are all thoughts that go through your head as you mindlessly sign up for your next twelve races of the season. During each, you will complain every moment of it, until you cross the finish line. At that point you will immediately register for next year’s race before having a chance to chug your Muscle Milk.

Training: Grumble and gripe every second, and then extol the virtues of the triathlon lifestyle to everyone you meet.
Romance: You will start a secretive love affair with someone who tolerates your detailed stories of GI issues.

Libra

Your many hours of volunteering at local races have finally paid off. You will win a race entry and be able to compete alongside the folks you have been selflessly helping for so long now. This, of course, will give you a chance to help your fellow racers in new and creative ways. You will be something of a mobile cheerleader throughout the event. You will be the first to start the race and the last to finish, so that you get the chance to motivate and inspire everyone. This includes the referee that gives you a penalty for interference, as you stop at an aid station to try to help the volunteers distribute nutrition to the other racers.

Training: You just want to be there to support your companion racers. Incorporate some high speed repetitions this week—5×30 high fives, followed by 10×25 “You got this!”
Romance: You will spend 30 minutes passively debating with your significant other about what restaurant to go to after the race, and ultimately settle on In ‘N Out, again.

Scorpio

No, your spouse will NOT let you buy that new bike. Yes, they know it’s on sale. Yes, they know it can improve your bike time by 30 seconds. Yes, they know it will make you look cooler. Yes, they still believe that the kid’s college tuition is more important than one or two spots in your age group. But be persistent. The 15th time you ask just may be the time they say yes.

Training: Go to the bike shop and drool over the new bike. Neglect to train on the equally awesome bike you already own.
Romance: Sleep on the couch after arguing with your spouse about the importance of a new bike relative to your children’s education.

Sagittarius

You will have that race dream again. You know, the one where you find yourself getting lost on the run course. Only this time the run course is going through a shopping mall, and you can’t seem to figure out why you’re the only one racing. And everyone is staring at you. And you’re naked. Don’t worry, this is not a sign of things to come. More than likely you just need to distract yourself with a tri shopping spree.

Training: Visualize your ideal race in your morning meditation—and make sure you’re visualizing yourself fully clothed.
Romance: A long lost love interest will appear suddenly outside of Orange Julius. They will be wearing an Ironman finisher hoodie.

Capricorn

This is the season for you to be a trendsetter. Bring back some of the old-school triathlon fashion. The oversized Oakleys, hypercolor running shorts, leg warmers, and a mullet for the piece de resistance. It may seem counter-intuitive, but this will be the transformation that catapults your triathlon performance to astonishing new levels. Top of the leaderboards here you come! Ryf, Frodeno, Jackson, Sanders, and you in all your totally tubular magnificence will stand atop the podium!

Training: Crank up the Bon Jovi and just look as cool as possible. Destiny will do the rest.
Romance: I mean, come on! Leg warmers and a mullet. Need I say more?

Aquarius

You’re still undecided on the outfit you’re going to wear in your next race. The choice is down to a) simple Speedo, or b) full gorilla suit with a tutu. Each is equally appealing, but there’s a compromise. Go with the Speedo on the swim, gorilla suit on the bike, and then add the tutu on the run. You may not win the race, but dang it you will get the most attention. After all, that’s the main goal, right?

Training: Ice baths and heat training. It will be cold swimming in just a Speedo, but very hot in a gorilla suit!
Romance: True love will pass you by, since you can’t see them through the gorilla mask.

Pisces

You’re a Pisces. You’re a born fish. And because of this, the swim will be your strong leg (or fin, rather). But be cautious on the bike and run, because you could begin to feel like a fish out of water. How do you get around this? Stay hydrated, of course! You’ll want to carry some Gatorade, or maybe some Blue Tang with you. Maybe carry some extra, just for the halibut. But don’t forget to trout your trash at an aid station, otherwise you may have to gill some time in the penalty tent. Also, don’t forget that you shark cod use a good pike mechanic. You can depend on them to tuna bike up perfectly before the race…I’ll sea myself out.

Training: Swim… duh.
Romance: If you neglect your significant other, your love life may flounder.

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