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Pre-Race Beer Gardens, Must-Draft Events, and More News We’ll (Hopefully) Never See

Our Triathlete News anchor Adam Hill has shaved his legs, and he's ready to give you the (not-so-serious, not so-real) news with a side of laughs.

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Welcome to Triathlete News, the hard hitting, jaw dropping, provocative, and silky smooth source for all your endurance related content, without the dreaded bonk! I’m your anchor, Adam Hill, and yes, I did just shave my legs. Here are our top (not-at-all-real) stories today from around the world of triathlon.

Amid Controversy, Ironman Weighs “Drafting Only” Policy to Help Prevent Drafting Violations

With the number of observed drafting violations on the rise in Ironman races, the largest triathlon brand has said they’ve had enough, and are implementing new policies to curb the issue. In a statement, Ironman executives said “we understand this is a safety issue, but more than that, we are tired of people complaining about our lack of drafting enforcement. So, we are now requiring all athletes to draft to prevent further penalties AND (most importantly) stop people from complaining. It’s a win-win, meaning Ironman wins twice!”

In an unrelated story, registrations for Ironmans Florida, Texas, and Arizona have skyrocketed since the announcement was made.

Area Man Ponders: “What is Easiest Version of Sport Meant to be Super Hard?”

Francis Smith has always wanted to do a triathlon. Ever since he was a teenager, and he saw his first race, he has been inspired by what the human body is capable of when put under an extreme challenge. Now he’s committed to taking on the challenge himself…as long as it’s easy. He says that he’s nervous but excited to test his mind, body, and spirit…as long as the swim is downriver and wetsuit legal. He will face his fears with courage and perseverance…unless the bike is too hilly. He is hopeful that the run will be shortened due to logistics, and he hopes his donut-only nutrition strategy pays off. As far as his post-race plans, he says he can’t wait to get a tattoo recognizing his achievement.

A Race Director Has Introduced a Pre-Race Beer Garden to a Local Triathlon to The Immediate Delight, Eventual Dismay of Race Participants

The only thing athletes want to receive more than the medal at the finish line of a race is an ice-cold beer, and one area race director has decided to reward athletes before the race even starts. Participants were thrilled to receive the starting line stout, but within the first few miles of the race, it became clear that most athletes regretted their decision to partake in the pre-race pilsner. Some athletes compared the starting line to a festival of joy, followed by an apocalyptic drunken zombie march at the finish. Whatever beer was served to the athletes at the beginning of the race was once again served up by the athletes at the finish line.

With the Success of the Two Day Ironman World Championship, Ironman Announces New Multi-day Format

Amid a rising number of athletes vying for a coveted slot at the Ironman World Championship in Hawaii, Ironman has announced a new structure for the upcoming race. In addition to having separate races for men and women, they will also be hosting multiple race days separated by age group and athlete name. The first race will start on October 8th with Josh Amberger toeing the line against… himself, followed on October 9th by Igor Amorelli. Nearly 2 months later, the highly anticipated Pro Women’s race will kick off for 50 straight days of exciting racing. The amateur race, which will start sometime in early 2023, is expected to last 5-10 years. It is expected that some race days will get rather crowded, with 2 to 3 athletes at a time who share the same name and age group, but Ironman is confident that drafting will not be an issue, and they can run a safe race. When asked about how they will get enough volunteers, an Ironman spokesperson simply said, “ah, I’m sure they’ll figure it out…” A spokesperson for the Island of Hawaii had no comment, as they were busy holding their head in their hands and sobbing uncontrollably. Podium ceremonies are expected to take place sometime in 2031.

And Now For the Weather…

If you’re racing this weekend, you’re in for a treat! According to Accuweather it will be Calm seas, and clear skies with temperatures in the low 70s for the entire weekend… Oh, but this just in from Weather Bug… it looks like it violently stormy with 30 mph winds and golf ball sized hail. Hang on… I’m getting word from Weather Underground that there will be snow and ice… Wait… is Apple weather reporting… sea monsters? Well folks, clearly we don’t have a clue what we’re doing, so EVERYBODY PANIC!!! Anyway, have a great race! And until next time, for Triathlete News, I’m Adam Hill saying thanks for joining us for this news cycle. (See what I did there?)

That’s our news for tonight, thank you for joining us. For the rest of the folks at Triathlete News and Outside, Inc. (who will probably fire me after this segment), I’m Adam Hill saying you forgot to pause your Garmin… Goodnight!

RELATED: A Gentle Reminder: No Drafting or Snot Rockets at the Grocery Store