Culture

Sure, sure, doping is a problem. And, yeah, we could talk about all the laws drivers break on the regular. But forget those infractions. Let’s talk, instead, about the real crimes against tri-manity, the truly egregious injustices that stop triathletes in their tracks. These are the 10 biggest (smallest) wrongs that must be righted!

#10: Bike stores that don’t sell triathlon equipment and have never seen a time-trial bike. Look, we get it, you’re super Euro-cool and cater to “real” cyclists. But you know who loves their bikes more than anything even if we can’t tell you who’s leading the current Tour? (And also who needs some very specific bike equipment?) Triathletes.

#9: While we’re on the topic of bikes: bike boxes that don’t fit aerobars. Where are they supposed to go? I am now looking into mechanical engineering degrees just so I can bring my bike on a plane.

#8: Sketchy “bike storage sheds” that building managers insist are totally fine for your super expensive race bike. No, I’m not sticking my TT bike in the basement of the office behind the dumpsters—not even if you promise me “Fred the security guard totally checks on it sometimes.” Even though that is a very solid promise; I like Fred.

#7: Offices that don’t understand triathletes are human dumpsters. One meal in the office a day? Without a large enough fridge to store all our snacks? I shall decorate the hallway with my passed out body.

#6: Lap swimming hours that don’t accommodate actual lap swimming. Just get your 3,000-yard swim workout done between 12:15 and 1 p.m., after swim team but before kids’ public swim. And please be sure to share the lane with four other people, two of whom are using the pool for float therapy, both of whom are experts at throwing side-eye shade at anything moving near them at more than 1 mile per hour.

#5: Gyms, generally. I’ve heard rumors of magical gyms actually designed for triathletes, with spin bikes by pools and treadmills by spin bikes to accommodate indoor-bricks—but I haven’t seen one yet.

#4: Tracks that you can’t run on. Oh, it’s totally open to the public, just between the hours of 5 and 6:30 a.m. or after 8 p.m.? It’s not my fault I had to climb this fence; really, this is on you.

#3: Non-public bathrooms. I really don’t want to pee myself in your parking lot, and I don’t want to have to buy your breakfast special to avoid doing so.

#2: Really, we could do an entire list just on bathroom-related crimes against all athletes: bathrooms closed during winter; public restrooms closed after the sun sets; bathrooms that you nally make it to only to find them under construction or closed or being cleaned, with the water fountain turned off…

#1: And that brings us to the greatest crime against all tri-manity: Locked port-a-potties. Why. Why?!