We submit to you segment ideas that every triathlete is thinking about but should probably (definitely) never attempt.

No, this is not a paid sponsored content post by Strava (in fact they might actually pay us to take it down!), this is a public service provided by the minds at Triathlete magazine. We’ve listed the top ten Strava KOMs that every triathlete might be thinking about—as they go about their non-training daily lives—but are too scared to try.

In most cases, even attempting the below KOMs would either lead to breaking Strava’s rules or, more likely, swift arrest, imprisonment, and/or general endurance-sports shunning.

In other words, don’t try this at home, seriously.

1. Terminal Velocity (Running)

Segments for running from security to the terminal; segments for running to and from a connecting flight

Categories: number of bags—children count as five bags per child
Danger factors: colliding into another Airport Sprint Strava KOM segment chaser, the police, losing a child

2. Supermarket Shuffle (Running)

Segments from the moment you enter the frigid confines of your local grocery store to when you queue up in line at the checkout

Categories: funky diets—keto, raw, vegan, paleo, mac-and-cheese-arians, etc.
Danger factor: starvation

3. La Fontaine Bleue (yes, we know Strava KOMs don’t exist for swimming yet, but…)

Segments for swimming across public water fixtures

Categories: clothing or no category, blood alcohol ranges, special category for attempting after midnight
Danger factors: arrest, drowning, nonstandard workout distances/intervals

4. Downhill Bike Case Chase (Cycling)

Segments completed while straddling your bike case (existential question: Does it count as biking? You are riding your bike…)

Categories: surface type—road, cobbles, carpet, stairs
Danger factors: destroyed bike, extensive dental damage, unrecoverable loss of dignity

5. Under Pressure (Cycling)

Segments for biking at various (ridiculous) tire pressures

Categories: < 30psi for road, rim-only, uphill, downhill
Danger factors: destroyed bike, extensive dental damage, unrecoverable loss of road feel

6. The Golden Aero (Cycling)

Rolling segments based on how long you can stay in the aero position on a group ride

Categories: wearing tri gear or not, aero helmet or not
Danger factors: Crashing out the group, being hated forever, being featured on some roadie version of Kook of The Day

7. Dead Ringer (Cycling)

Segments for people who forgot to charge their electronic shifting batteries

Categories: different gear combinations you’re stuck in
Danger factors: knee pain, accidental strength work and improvement, falling over

8. The Fastest Loser (Running)

Segments over race courses that are calculated by finding who has the fastest final 100-meter sprint combined with the slowest overall time

Categories: number of finish-line photos ruined, number of people celebrating being knocked over, number of injuries accrued in final sprint
Danger factors: accidentally getting into an actual sprint with another racer, elevated heart rate, uncontrollable vomiting

9. The Slippery Slope (Running)

Segments around a pool on the pool deck

Categories: slipperiness of the surface, crowdedness of the pool, happening during a brick workout or not
Danger factors: whistle-blowing, getting yelled at by the lifeguard, more dental damage

10. The Salmon (Cycling)

Segments for those who insist on riding on sidewalks or on shoulders upstream against traffic

Categories: number of people knocked over, helmet or no, various levels of a lack of self-awareness
Danger factors: running into a million different things/people, giving triathletes a bad name, see Kook of The Day above