While the women of the United States Olympic Triathlon Team are fully spoken for, the U.S. men are entirely unwed, so we reached out to see what it’s like to be a bachelor bound for Rio. While both Ben Kanute and Greg Billington treated us with some tongue-in-cheek hyperbole, Joe Maloy’s response was simple: “I am not willing to share my Olympic Village playbook.” Read more below.
What does your current Facebook relationship status read?
Ben Kanute: Single and ready to mingle!
Greg Billington: Married to [my team] The Triathlon Squad.
When was the last time you changed it?
BK: When I first created it back around the time I graduated college, so 2014. I still like to pretend I am in college though, so changing the profile is a big step.
GB: When [Coach] Paulo told me to.
What does your Tinder profile say?
BK: I think it is something cliche, listing the things I like and showing I’m adventurous. Does anyone really read the bio?
GB: “Joe Maloy’s better half.”
What makes you swipe right?
BK: Depends on what type of night I am looking for and what type of strategy I want to employ. A classic is the numbers game: swipe right on everyone and see who bites. A good find is someone with their picture that’s not a selfie, or isn’t from some obscure angle where you can’t really tell what they look like.
GB: Opening Tinder.
What makes you swipe left?
BK: Any Snapchat picture where the quality of the photo looks like it was taken with a potato. Sometimes you aren’t sure why or why not you like or dislike something, and you just have to trust your instinct.
GB: Swiping left is a waste of time.
What are some of the upsides of being a bachelor pro triathlete? What are some of the downsides?
BK: Well triathlon gives you that great beach body that everyone strives for, but between travel, training, naps and Netflix, the times to strut around are far and few between. Wear that Speedo with pride and tan alongside everyone else at the student rec center. Obviously shirtless running is a must, and if you are really confident—white kit on a rainy day.
GB: Positive is that I don’t have to share my food. Downside is probably the overwhelming sense of crushing loneliness that gradually eats away at my soul. So, one to one, I guess it’s a toss up.
Post-race, when everyone else is Skyping their significant other in the hotel lobby, what are you up to?
BK: Cracking a beer and enjoying a rest before hitting up the local nightlife—some places are much better than others.
GB: Eating a quart of ice cream by myself. I assume that’s what most people do who aren’t Skyping.
As a single guy, what are you looking forward to in Rio?
BK: I hear there are a lot of single ladies in the Olympic Village. If the parties are as epic as the Games themselves (and from all of the stories I think they are…), then that is what I am excited about.
GB: Not having to share my plates of free Chicken McNuggets in the Olympic Village. Seriously, McDonald’s is free there! But that’s only if The Triathlon Squad gives me the okay.
Is it hard to maintain a relationship while being a pro triathlete that lives a mostly nomadic life?
BK: It’s extremely hard. Triathlon is a very selfish sport. We love to pay attention to ourselves and everything has to be perfect. Add in traveling for half the year, and that hardly leaves time for a social life, let alone a significant other. If someone can deal with all of that, I think you’ve found a keeper.
GB: I prefer to think it’s the nomadic lifestyle rather than any inadequacies or personality defects on my part. So, yes, it’s 100% the flying around a lot that gradually makes my sense of humor vexing and presence tedious.
In your opinion, which one of the three sports in triathlon attracts the most ladies?
BK: Swimming. Gives you that nice ‘V’ shape from the lats, and ladies love a guy that can rock a Speedo. At the very least they dig the confidence you have to wear a Speedo.
GB: I mean, I’m delusional enough to believe that exercising all day is a reasonable lifestyle, but that delusion stops at thinking sweating in spandex for hours on end is attractive. So, maybe when I do squats with just the bar? That’s super cool, right?
Which country on the ITU circuit has athletes with the finest…”relationship material”?
BK: Whichever ones are single. Seems like triathletes like to pair up, whether it is on their training camps or at the races. The race to the single girls is just as fierce as the actual race itself!
GB: Joe Maloy’s American, so the United States. No brainer.